Poem from Eightfold: Sangha

A. Hannah Spadafora
Mar 10
3 min read

Updated: May 4

Sangha

4:13

Sangha

I have yet to find my sangha

I am wary of cults—

Both fringe and sanctioned

Preying on vulnerability

And assembling people into tools

For missions built on proclaimed charity

Thrown down from hills of hoarded gold.

I have yet to find my sangha

I distrust leaders—

Charismatic, infallible, and pushy,

Harping on limited literacy,

Ready to shape the innocent into fools

With sermons that rest on condescending guidance

Preached from pulpits of elevated ego.

I have yet to find my sangha

I am disappointed by dogma

Desired, forbidden, and esoteric,

Dwelling on defensive gatekeeping

Enforcing obedience

With absurd rules that threaten, shun, and shame

From inner circles that vehemently ostracize

Promoting popularized contempt.

I have yet to find my sangha

I loathe practices

Problematic, damaging, and taxing,

Compelling followers into compliance

Promising vertical ascent within hierarchies

That offer pipeline promotions

To direct godly contact

Granted from purportedly-chosen

Prophets of higher existence.

I have yet to find my sangha

I am sick of apathetic

Denials of toxicity,

Refusals to accommodate non-harm

Or consider suffering,

And defensive proclamations

Spouted to justify self-centered laziness,

Pettiness, able-ism, and irresponsibility

From those with privilege

And the cherry-picked favored elite.

I have yet to find my sangha

I fear doubt erased

With unquestionable, cemented faith

Used to poison critical inquiry

And block all lines of sight

That rest between

Reason and bullshit

And promote illusion and falsehood

As truth

And elevate assimilation and conformity

As acceptable.

I have yet to find my sangha

I am not obedient

Loyal to a fault

To people over principles

Or principles over humanity—

In fact,

I have been accused

More than once

Of being insubordinate,

Subversive,

The center of the uproar,

And, for the sake of averting misery,

The reason for children’s mutiny

Against green eggs and ham.

I have yet to find my sangha

I am not flawless,

Polished to a impeccable shine

Reflecting in every action

Some glorified idealism—

Even though

I have been trying

For so long

To be exemplary,

Qualified,

The epitome of enlightenment,

And the essence of balance between

The ocean and the wind.

I have yet to find my sangha

I travel as a lone wolf

Relishing and needing some damn me-time

Ever discovering the limitations of the ‘self’

And fearing I might be just dipping my toes in

To dabble as an impostor

No doubt to be revealed

By a coven of real practitioners

Ready to kick out a novice

Still heavily embracing

Segments of the wheel.

I have yet to find my sangha

Even as I’m told that it should be refuge

I see much threat.

I worry

That being a joiner

Means being a follower

And that being a follower

Leads to atrocities

Both communal and personal

As groups chant about

Persecution from imagined enemies—

Denigrated scapegoats,

The ultimate culprits

For all that’s wrong with the world.

I have yet to find my sangha

I worry that

If I did find people

Who lived these values consistently,

Thoroughly,

To the point of being steeped in them

If I’d be likewise worthy of them

Or if my journey would be hindered,

Or left disparaged, belittled or vilified

For all the ways I am judged unworthy.

I have yet to find my sangha,

And yet,

Intermittently,

Between my cynicism and doubt,

I sometimes still find

Unexpected diamonds

Along muddy roads

Bearing overflowing cups

Of calming tea.

Eightfold: Zen Poetry for Blindly Clasping Beings - Poetry book by A. H. Spadafora, out now

Eightfold: Zen Poetry for Blindly Clasping Beings is a collection of sixty poems that reflect the author’s continual conversation with secular Buddhist thought on human nature, the struggles of existence, and the self-made and human-crafted challenges of modern life. These poems center on a layperson’s striving to find presence in the world, offering contemporary perspectives on Buddhist philosophy, Zen meditation, and traditional stories, koans, and teachings.

Now available as e-book, audiobook, and paperback at zen-chaos.net/zcw-bookstore plus additional formats at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Google Play, Apple Books, Lulu, and Kobo.

A. H. Spadafora is an author, freelancer, animal lover, and booknerd who lives in the Atlanta area with underused degrees and borrowed cats. She is currently working on multiple manuscripts and juggling gig work while seeking out the right full-time opportunity. Writing has remained the one constant throughout her life—a passion that has shaped her journey alongside the search for survival, purpose, and the chance to do good in the world. Published works include her debut poetry collection, Moments of Peace (2013) and her latest work, Eightfold. She is also the founder of Zen Chaos Writing, offering freelance services, books, and merchandise.